Lessons Learned

Life as a single quad mom can be summed up in two words: exhausting and lonely.  I often feel like no matter how much heart and how much effort I put into the task before me, I'm climbing a mountain that few people can say they've attempted. And while I'm never ever alone, I always have my four blessings with me, not having someone who can completely understand the struggles you face can make one extremely lonely.

Today, a friend of mine who knew me when I was just a kid, posted a quote to my Facebook wall.

"You can rise up from anything. You can completely recreate yourself. Nothing is permanent. You're not stuck. You have choices. You can think new thoughts. You can learn something new. You can create new habits. All that matters is that you decide today and never look back". 
I'm not looking back.  My long-time blog followers know that I've been through a lot in the past five years. From finding out I was having quadruplets, to having quadruplets, lengthy NICU stays, my Mom's cancer, the loss of my mother, a mentally unstable spouse and domestic abuse. Oh, and by the way, I was raising quadruplets through it all.

I have officially landed flat on my face. I cannot blame anyone but myself. I was placed in a situation that often felt like a pressure cooker. The stress of being a single mother to quadruplets is indescribable. Knowing that you are all those four kids have can be extremely overwhelming. Trying to keep a roof over their heads, food in their tummies, clothes on them, shoes on their feet, a car in the driveway, electricity and water to the house, all while working full-time, maintaining a household, cooking meals, washing clothes, routine car maintenance, and more has proven to be more than I can handle. I feel as though I've been going through the motions, doing my best to stay afloat, yet the faster I bail water, the faster it comes in and this ship is going under.  I am waving my white flag of surrender and sharing openly, I need help. 

I cannot put into words how much I love those four little people. They're seriously the best thing that has ever happened to me. They also have every ounce of my being. I do not take decisions that affect them lightly, because I absolutely want nothing but the best for their futures. I pray that I am able to teach them everything I can so they grow up loving themselves with self-respect as well as empathy and concern for those around them.

As human beings, there's several reasons why our judgement gets clouded. Stress and lack of sleep seem to be two main causes of bad decisions, at least for me.  Yet, here I am again, stressed to the max about not only the day to day life of raising four four-year-olds and the challenges and exhaustion that come along with that by itself, but also about finances, self-care and all of the other responsibilities we carry around as adults. It feels like over and over, I'm thrust into high-pressure situations that require swift and sound decision making.

I've prayed heavily for the choice I've had to make. I am blessed to have a few close friends and
family members who have helped with this choice. I'm picking up what's left. I am choosing to pull on my boots once again to climb this mountain, this time, hopefully with a few other people along for the ride. If it takes a village to raise one child, it takes a greater metropolitan area to raise quadruplets.


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